on my way home tonight (from work, with cassy), i was thinking as we talked, about how i'm starting to feel like this (NY) is home. i mean, not home-home, but i have a good group of friends now and a sort-of life, and it's generally pretty good.
then i dropped her off, came in and heard kevin in the shower. i quickly jumped in (and scared him! haha!) but we kissed a lil bit (more than we have in weeks, mostly cause of my bad chewing-the-inside-of-my-mouth habit) and things started to get innnteresting, so we went to the bedroom and we suffered through a terrible fumble in that department. everything we did hurt me, and it was just too much for me. i hate never being able to do anything right. <frustrated face!>
anyway, after this, i was dwelling on how it is just days until christmas, but it doesn't even feel like december. then, i'm thinking... no, feeling, that i'm just missing this HUGE -something- in my life. i don't know what, but i feel like there's this gaping hole in me, like i got hit by a cannonball and somehow didn't notice until recently. i'm happy (mostly) but...
is it my family i miss? often, but i'm happy to be away for many reasons. i -really- miss my aunt. i was thinking about that earlier today, before work. i miss a lot of friends from home, whom i love, but who drift away because of distance. i was thinking about my dream of someday living somewhere constantly warm, and thinking that i might just miss everyone i love too much to do that.
i miss my pal, in a weird way, because we've drifted so much that i'm wondering if the last time we saw each other will be the VERY last time. i wasn't planning on it, but it may have worked out that way. i have a new mayday parade album in my car, and the first song reminds me of him. i love it though, i could listen to it forever.
maybe all of this is me being an emo wreck because i think it just might be close to that time o' the month. (highly likely but with the way that's been going lately, who the heck knows?) i cried forever last night after watching marley & me, first because the movie was sad but also because it reminded me of my childhood dogs, casey and chester. then i read dear john from start to finish today and cried over that, just 'cause it was a sad book and even though it was totally predictable (nicholas sparks, you are capable of much better!), i liked it.
work made my blood boil. really. evening shift has been so much better for me, but today from the MINUTE i walked in... it was just bad news. there were 3891 things that needed to be done on top of all the normal stuff, and i got stuck on the floor for dinner for the third night in four days, which is crap. jane was acting up and hitting me (and everyone else--staff and residents) and swearing, not sitting still for one second. bells were going off like mad. x-rays had to be done on clara. vitals by 5. we were behind on getting people up. ugh.
anyway... i was just a mess. sad to angry to happy to sad again... and all, weird extremes. i feel like i have a tendency toward periods of calms, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, but then these ridiculous all-over-the-place days, or just strings of total misery or elated carefree, all-is-right-in-lizzieland kind of days.
what can i say? i'm sick of this.