lifeaslizzie: (Default)
[personal profile] lifeaslizzie
on my way home tonight (from work, with cassy), i was thinking as we talked, about how i'm starting to feel like this (NY) is home. i mean, not home-home, but i have a good group of friends now and a sort-of life, and it's generally pretty good.

then i dropped her off, came in and heard kevin in the shower. i quickly jumped in (and scared him! haha!) but we kissed a lil bit (more than we have in weeks, mostly cause of my bad chewing-the-inside-of-my-mouth habit) and things started to get innnteresting, so we went to the bedroom and we suffered through a terrible fumble in that department. everything we did hurt me, and it was just too much for me. i hate never being able to do anything right. <frustrated face!>

anyway, after this, i was dwelling on how it is just days until christmas, but it doesn't even feel like december. then, i'm thinking... no, feeling, that i'm just missing this HUGE -something- in my life. i don't know what, but i feel like there's this gaping hole in me, like i got hit by a cannonball and somehow didn't notice until recently. i'm happy (mostly) but...

is it my family i miss? often, but i'm happy to be away for many reasons. i -really- miss my aunt. i was thinking about that earlier today, before work. i miss a lot of friends from home, whom i love, but who drift away because of distance. i was thinking about my dream of someday living somewhere constantly warm, and thinking that i might just miss everyone i love too much to do that.

i miss my pal, in a weird way, because we've drifted so much that i'm wondering if the last time we saw each other will be the VERY last time. i wasn't planning on it, but it may have worked out that way. i have a new mayday parade album in my car, and the first song reminds me of him. i love it though, i could listen to it forever.

maybe all of this is me being an emo wreck because i think it just might be close to that time o' the month. (highly likely but with the way that's been going lately, who the heck knows?) i cried forever last night after watching marley & me, first because the movie was sad but also because it reminded me of my childhood dogs, casey and chester. then i read dear john from start to finish today and cried over that, just 'cause it was a sad book and even though it was totally predictable (nicholas sparks, you are capable of much better!), i liked it.

work made my blood boil. really. evening shift has been so much better for me, but today from the MINUTE i walked in... it was just bad news. there were 3891 things that needed to be done on top of all the normal stuff, and i got stuck on the floor for dinner for the third night in four days, which is crap. jane was acting up and hitting me (and everyone else--staff and residents) and swearing, not sitting still for one second. bells were going off like mad. x-rays had to be done on clara. vitals by 5. we were behind on getting people up. ugh.

anyway... i was just a mess. sad to angry to happy to sad again... and all, weird extremes. i feel like i have a tendency toward periods of calms, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, but then these ridiculous all-over-the-place days, or just strings of total misery or elated carefree, all-is-right-in-lizzieland kind of days.

what can i say? i'm sick of this.

Date: 2009-12-22 05:28 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] ex_xo956
sounds like you're bipolar. LOL just kidding. ;) although, we are so much alike, i suppose you could be.

anyway, hang in there. i have a hole too. i think it's where God belongs, but i'm not sure yet. *sigh* love you, lizzie.

Date: 2009-12-22 06:22 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] ex_xo956
well, unless you're interested in pursuing medication, there's no real need to get a diagnosis. what i recommend is, pay close attention to how you feel and what comes before it. you will notice that things trigger it. also, you can try activities to counter how you're feeling. for example, if you feel really good and "high", do calm things like reading or going for a walk - because if you ARE bipolar, your lows can be as low as your highs are high. so you don't want to let the highs run away with you.

if you say that you go for weeks at a time feeling fine...you might even be cyclothymic, which is very mild and a different kind of bipolar. read up on it and if it rings true for you, i have a workbook that could help you.

i am always missing something and someone too. it is part of loving and being loved and sometimes i don't like it. :'[

Date: 2009-12-24 04:29 pm (UTC)
makeshiftspy: (Default)
From: [personal profile] makeshiftspy
If you ever want to talk about things in that department I'd be glad to listen. Having things be awkward and hurting is awful. Sometimes having someone to talk to outside the situation. I am not trying to overstep any boundaries here I just know an awkward sex life is awful (been there, done that- but in your case you husband wants things to be better and that makes all the difference in the world!) and want to help if I can. Feel free to ignore my offer if it makes you uncomfortable.

Missing people around the holidays (and just randomly throughout the year) is something I find myself doing sometimes. I hope you are feeling better now <3. Maybe you could send your friends/aunt/anyone else an email or letter (old fashion, I know) seeing how they're doing? I'm sure they'd appreciate it.

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