Life as Lizzie

As soon as I can afford to (hopefully next month?!), I am losing my current phone and jumping all over the HTC Incredible! *drool*

I wrote and wrote and wrote. 

Then deleted everything in an instant.

Sometimes, I wish life were like that.  I applied to nursing school yesterday.  I'm afraid that my college years of debauchery are going to come back and slap me in the face with a rejection letter.  I wish I could have deleted most of that, but that's life.  In other news, I am not feeling in my head enough to write lately, I am so burned out and sick of work, I am so sore from these damn cramps (hopefully getting back on BC Sunday will help next month?!), and Kevin & I have settled into our bigger, better apartment and are loving it!

Sigh. I'm sorry I'm boring.

We (Kevin, Winnie, & I) are heading home to MA this weekend. We leave Friday night after I get out of work at 11pm. We are staying at Kevin's parents' house in Southwick. As uncomfortable as that makes me, at least there are no cats there (to get my allergies riled up AND for Winnie to terrify).

I really don't want to hang out over there. Kevin made a comment about always going to my house and doing this and that, but my parents have always made an effort to include him and make him feel at home. I can't say the same on their end. Sigh. He says he owes them/his brother time, and that's fine. Thankfully my parents are only six miles from their driveway. :)

I think Saturday will be spent (by me) with my family. Kevin wants to take Ian (his 7-year-old brother) to see a couple friends from home, so that leaves him free to do so. Then maybe my grandparents will come by for dinner, and Kev could come back for that, if he wants. Sunday (and this is my only demand for the whole trip), we are going to our old church, WEFC! I miss it SO STINKING MUCH! <3 Then I will stay at his parents' house and we can do dinner there, and maybe just see my family once more before we hit the road for home? I'm not sure.

I want to leave Sunday night, not Monday morning. I like having down time here before going to work. Shrug. There's too much to do, and I want to see my aunt/cousins but I have a nagging suspicion that it won't happen. I need to try to squeeze them in somehow.

Just wanted to take a minute to wish everyone a happy holiday. I know not everybody celebrates Christmas, but regardless of that, I think it's a good time to wind down at the end of the year and enjoy time spent with family & friends, so in that spirit-- make the best of the rest of 2009!

Bear surprised me with a few little things-- A new crock pot (our old one was a hand-me-down, circa 1950, which also served as a deep fryer... yuck), Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2, Sweeney Todd, District 9, some peanut butter m&ms, a new razor & shaving cream, and a little flower arrangement. Totally unexpected, since we already "had" our Christmas, which was just a few things I got for him. It was nice, though, and I was very happy.

Overslept this morning and didn't even go to church. I feel pretty rotten about that, but what can you do? We are planning a trip home this weekend, which means that Sunday will be spent at our home church which we miss so dearly... I cannot WAIT to go back there! I would move home just to be able to attend service there again. <3 [Now, church or not, I know what today is all about, and I can celebrate that regardless of my location! Thank you, God, for loving us so much!]

Annnyway, it's off to work I go! Hope everyone enjoys themselves. Love, Lizzie

on my way home tonight (from work, with cassy), i was thinking as we talked, about how i'm starting to feel like this (NY) is home. i mean, not home-home, but i have a good group of friends now and a sort-of life, and it's generally pretty good.

then i dropped her off, came in and heard kevin in the shower. i quickly jumped in (and scared him! haha!) but we kissed a lil bit (more than we have in weeks, mostly cause of my bad chewing-the-inside-of-my-mouth habit) and things started to get innnteresting, so we went to the bedroom and we suffered through a terrible fumble in that department. everything we did hurt me, and it was just too much for me. i hate never being able to do anything right. <frustrated face!>

anyway, after this, i was dwelling on how it is just days until christmas, but it doesn't even feel like december. then, i'm thinking... no, feeling, that i'm just missing this HUGE -something- in my life. i don't know what, but i feel like there's this gaping hole in me, like i got hit by a cannonball and somehow didn't notice until recently. i'm happy (mostly) but...

is it my family i miss? often, but i'm happy to be away for many reasons. i -really- miss my aunt. i was thinking about that earlier today, before work. i miss a lot of friends from home, whom i love, but who drift away because of distance. i was thinking about my dream of someday living somewhere constantly warm, and thinking that i might just miss everyone i love too much to do that.

i miss my pal, in a weird way, because we've drifted so much that i'm wondering if the last time we saw each other will be the VERY last time. i wasn't planning on it, but it may have worked out that way. i have a new mayday parade album in my car, and the first song reminds me of him. i love it though, i could listen to it forever.

maybe all of this is me being an emo wreck because i think it just might be close to that time o' the month. (highly likely but with the way that's been going lately, who the heck knows?) i cried forever last night after watching marley & me, first because the movie was sad but also because it reminded me of my childhood dogs, casey and chester. then i read dear john from start to finish today and cried over that, just 'cause it was a sad book and even though it was totally predictable (nicholas sparks, you are capable of much better!), i liked it.

work made my blood boil. really. evening shift has been so much better for me, but today from the MINUTE i walked in... it was just bad news. there were 3891 things that needed to be done on top of all the normal stuff, and i got stuck on the floor for dinner for the third night in four days, which is crap. jane was acting up and hitting me (and everyone else--staff and residents) and swearing, not sitting still for one second. bells were going off like mad. x-rays had to be done on clara. vitals by 5. we were behind on getting people up. ugh.

anyway... i was just a mess. sad to angry to happy to sad again... and all, weird extremes. i feel like i have a tendency toward periods of calms, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, but then these ridiculous all-over-the-place days, or just strings of total misery or elated carefree, all-is-right-in-lizzieland kind of days.

what can i say? i'm sick of this.